Time to ponder...life.

Once in a while I will come to a point where I simply can't understand what's going on in the world around me.  I literally cannot wrap my mind around the chaos. It usually hits me like a ton of bricks, even though it's been building up for some time.  It's really weird that I can see it coming, but then my mind and spirit react like it came out of nowhere. This is one of those times.

I recognize when this happens because I find that I reach for my phone to post on FB about something and then a) I delete it before I can hit send or b) I get so caught up in the confusion I feel that I don't even attempt to post at all and c) I don't even want to discuss whatever "it" is with my family.  When "c" happens it's definitely time to be still and refocus.

I'm pretty sure it has to do with a bunch of random moments of hyper clarity wrapped in "I'm so clueless as to how to make it better" thoughts that seem to envelope me.  It's in these times that I can feel myself withdrawing from friends and sometimes even family.

The clarity I mentioned isn't what you might think, it's more like I can see that my heart, mind, spirit and thought process are... well, a little "out of whack" so to speak. 

I get so wrapped up in the emotions of what is going on in the world, and then get myself into mental "slow-motioned" frenzy.  I find the problems in the world to be so overwhelming that all I can do is retreat and cry a little at the sadness of it all.

Running through my mind I hear... war is around the corner, people are killing each other, people are starving, humanity is destroying our planet, what kind of future will my children have, why are people so apathetic, there is a holocaust of babies and animals, cruelty is everywhere, you need to do something, this really makes me angry...oh yeah why?, you're only one person-you'll never make a difference, well that's a great excuse...  The list just goes on and on, questioning my sanity next due to the ongoing internal discussion.  Ha.

Anyway, I find it's at times like this that I need to retreat just a little.  I owe it to my conscience, my heart and to the precious world around me to ponder what is weighing down my spirit.  I need to take a good hard look at what needs to be addressed as well as what I have no control over. 

Things that I can address aren't always easy, but at least I can take action.  Areas that are out of my control, such as the actions of others...I just have to take a little time and make peace with that fact the best that I can.  I didn't memorize the "Serenity Prayer" for nothing, that's for sure!

So if it happens that friends and family don't hear from me for days, weeks or months, don't be alarmed.  I'm just trying to figure out my place, responsibility and direction in this crazy world we live in.  Who knows, maybe it'll happen quickly, maybe it'll truly take months.  
Until then, I will be in my own little world, soul searching my way back to my own centered place of calm and inner peace! 

Wishing everyone a happy and safe holiday season ♡♡♡